Lay down your life, and listen
Your presence is a gift, and to listen to others is an act of love.
Jesus made several dramatic declarations about abandoning or giving up one’s life. These statements are often quoted, but as a recent convert, I must say from experience that they can come across as unreasonable or even impossible aspirations, at first blush.
“There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” John 15:13
“If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.” Matthew 16:25
“Those who love their life in this world will lose it. Those who care nothing for their life in this world will keep it for eternity.” John 12:25
“If you want to be perfect, go and sell all your possessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.” Matthew 19:21
On one level, there was certainly a literal meaning that Jesus was conveying with these kinds of statements. Jesus literally laid down his life, and not just for his friends, but so that all of us could be saved from sin and death. Jesus literally called on his disciples to leave their lives and possessions behind in order to follow him. He was not dealing in metaphor or hyperbole here.
And yet, for a run-of-the-mill human being in 2024, these ideas seem outlandish. I am unlikely to face a situation where giving up my life will save someone else, and I am not inclined to sell all of my possessions and leave my family high and dry so that I can go and follow a calling from Jesus.
But like all of Jesus’ teachings, these challenging statements hold kernels of wisdom that apply on multiple levels, and I believe there is value in adopting the mindset of “laying down one’s life” as we move through our daily lives as followers of Jesus.
The life we lay down
To lay down one’s life can of course mean literal death, as in the example of Jesus, or for soldiers fighting against oppressive enemies, or for first responders who willingly put themselves in harm’s way to protect the innocent. It can mean selling all your possessions and quitting your job to follow a calling.
But to lay down one’s life can also mean setting aside our personal attachments, desires, preferences, worries, and fears, so as to focus more of our attention on others.
This often comes up in small moments in which a decision presents itself. If your friend has car trouble and needs a ride, but you’re about to sit down for dinner, you can tell them you’re too busy to help, or you can “lay down your life” and help them first.
Going a step further, you can lay down your life by putting dinner in the fridge, but then go and help your friend begrudgingly, with heavy sighs and rolling eyes. Or you can put dinner in the fridge, and then lay down your life by ignoring the annoyance and inconvenience you’re experiencing, and instead help your friend with compassion and even joy.
This is what I mean when I say there are layers to laying down one’s life. There is the action of helping someone at the expense of your own time and energy, and then there is the spirit of generosity that colors your inner experience. Jesus is pleased that you helped your friend, certainly, but he is even more pleased if you do it with true warmth in your heart.
There’s laying down your life out of obligation, and there is laying down your life out of love.
Listening as an act of love
One of the simplest, most powerful and most loving ways I’ve found to lay down my life for someone else is in conversation.
Before I embarked on this journey of personal growth, I would often struggle to focus in conversations with others. My thoughts would bounce around like pinballs while the other person was talking—thinking about what I would say next, thinking about what the other person thinks of me, thinking about whether I’m saying the right things, thinking about what someone else might say about me, and of course thinking about what’s for dinner and whatever else might dart into my mind in any given moment.
The solution I finally came to was simply to stop thinking while the other person was speaking. There were moments where I would literally imagine having no head (thank you, Douglas Harding), because this practice would clear my mind to such an extent that all I could focus on was the other person and what they were saying. Beyond merely focusing my attention on them, this mental maneuver would also better attune me to the person’s emotional state, opening me to an almost telepathic kind of spiritual communication.
If imagining yourself headless sounds a bit extreme, how about laying down your life?
Try this: The next time you’re in a conversation with someone, set aside everything you might be concerned about. Forget what you think of the person, forget what you hope to get out of the conversation, and forget the circumstances around the interaction.
Don’t look at your phone to see if anyone else is trying to reach you. Don’t look at a clock to see how much time you have until your next appointment. Don’t worry about saying the right thing. Don’t worry about how they might interpret your words. Don’t plan what you’re going to say next. Do as Jesus instructed his disciples to do:
“When you are arrested and stand trial, don’t worry in advance about what to say. Just say what God tells you at that time, for it is not you who will be speaking, but the Holy Spirit.” Mark 13:11
In your next conversation, lay down your life in this way. Set aside all thoughts about yourself. Give yourself fully to the person sitting across from you, and let the Holy Spirit work his magic.
And recognize your own magic in this moment. To lay down your life in this way, to focus so completely on the person sitting across from you, is to bring a Jesus-like presence to their life. Your presence becomes your gift to them, and your attention is a pure form of Love.
Listening to God
Let’s take this one step further, into prayer. It is common to use one’s prayer time for intercession—to ask God for things, or to ask God to do things, for ourselves and others. This kind of prayer is valuable, but everything you’re asking for—even if it’s for someone else—is an expression of your own life, your own desires and preferences, your own fears and worries.
Contemplative prayer calls for silence and stillness, and involves listening to God more so than speaking to him. For this kind of prayer, the idea of laying down one’s life can be extremely helpful.
I’ve found “palms down, palms up” to be a useful model for this. Begin by praying with palms down, and use this time to lay all of your worries and your desires at God’s feet. Take your time with this, and get it all out of your system—all your confusion, all your concerns for others, all your wishes. With palms down, lay down your life.
And then, with palms up, simply listen. If you are quiet enough, and if you can truly set aside your own worldly needs and desires, God will speak to you. You’ll know it’s the voice of God because the words will be loving, forgiving and encouraging, but you’ll only hear him if you can quiet your own worldly thoughts.
Lay down your life, and listen to God.
Lay down your life, and listen to your friend.
Lay down your life, and listen to your enemy.
Lay down your life, and listen. This is the kind of Love that Jesus had in mind.
But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and the fruit of good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere.
James 3:17