And Jesus said: I love you anyway

When we fall short or miss the mark, we are right where God wants us.

I was on Day 5 of a 10-day silent meditation retreat, and the unending hours of quiet stillness and cross-legged sitting had been wearing on my mind and body. Sitting on the cot in my cabin as evening approached, I succumbed to my doubts and insecurities.

The afternoon group meditation was done, and it had been a difficult one. My knees and back were aching, but an hour from now would be another group session, and it just felt like too much.

All I had to do was persist—to stay sitting and to go deep into my mind and heart and persevere for another hour—and I was not sure that I could. This was a test of all the inner peace and strength I had been working toward, and I was failing. I was searching for enlightenment, and all I had found was my own weakness.

I did not trust my will to keep me seated in silence while my body screamed. I did not trust my mind to remain focused amid the stillness and the pain. What if I couldn’t make it?

Whispering to myself in my cabin, so as not to violate the “noble silence” of the retreat, I tried to talk myself through this moment of weakness. But there was no talking my way through this, and so I surrendered.

“Even if you fail,” I said to myself, “even if you have to stand up and walk out of that meditation hall in shame because you can no longer bear it … I love you anyway.”

And there I wept, in silence.

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When the time came for the evening group meditation, I went to the hall, and I sat and I meditated until the session was done. The pain was present, but not unbearable. I did not stand up and leave, but I could have, because of the forgiveness I had already granted myself.

Whether I stayed or left no longer mattered. I knew I was loved, and that was enough. “I love you anyway” was all I needed to hear.

The retreat was in January 2023, a full year before my conversion. I was not yet a believer, but I know now that God was speaking to me through my own words that day. God had been speaking to me throughout my spiritual journey, pulling me toward Love no matter what distractions caught my interest along the way.

It was shortly after this retreat that Jesus began to show up in my life, preaching the truth of Love that God had already shown me. Listening to Jesus helped to solidify my belief in God, and then, once I fully accepted Jesus into my heart, God immediately went to work in my life.

He placed me in the perfect church with the perfect people, and before long I was being presented with opportunities that were far beyond my comfort zone, and which tested many of my old insecurities and doubts.

Sharing my testimony on stage, praying out loud for others, letting down my guard and letting people into my heart—I felt apprehension about all of it, but I also felt called to trust God and whatever he was doing in my life. I no longer believed I was doing this all on my own.

And so I would trust, and I would move forward, and God would support me, and my faith would grow. This has become a recurring cycle:

1. An opportunity arises, and I doubt myself and my abilities.

2. I remember that this was all God’s idea, and he’s got my back.

3. I pray.

4. I do the thing God has called me to do.

5. It all works out fine.

6. I learn about myself and others. I develop stronger relationships. I move more confidently into my new identity as a follower of Jesus.

7. Another opportunity arises, and I doubt myself and my abilities. (Repeat steps above.)

A recent example: My pastor learned that I used to play guitar. Within a few weeks, I was picking up my guitar to learn worship songs, and old doubts flooded in again.

As I worked to relearn familiar chords and play unfamiliar songs, I was feeling more than a little insecure, and certainly apprehensive about the thought of doing this in front of an audience, let alone in the house of God. I thought of a million ways this could go poorly. I could get up on stage and have a string break, or forget a song and lose my head. I could completely freeze up and ruin worship for the day. This was too much pressure, too much responsibility, and definitely too soon.

And then I reminded myself that this was all God’s idea. His plan. His will.

And then I prayed, and Jesus said to me: No matter what happens, I love you anyway.

The thoughts went on: I might actually be bad at playing guitar. I might have to decide at some point that I can’t do this, that I’m not good enough to be relied upon for this assignment. I might let some people down. 

I love you anyway.

I breathed, and I smiled. I would prepare as best I could, but I would cease worrying. God is working, and Jesus is with me. What else matters?

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Trusting God does not mean that everything is going to work out the way I want it to. It doesn’t mean I’m going to play these songs perfectly, and it doesn’t mean I won’t break a string on my guitar.

But the circumstances themselves are unimportant to God. His love is unconditional, and he knows how to challenge us in the perfect ways to reveal our character.

What happens on stage, and how well we perform these songs, is not what matters to God. If something goes wrong, God doesn’t worry. He gets curious.

What God is looking for in these moments is not how I perform, but how I respond. If I move forward and do my best despite my lack of confidence, the Lord is pleased with that. If I respond to bad luck with good humor, the Lord is pleased with that.

On the other hand, if I perform well and congratulate myself instead of thanking God and thanking others, he will be less pleased. He will not stop loving me, and he will not punish me, but he might be displeased.

God doesn’t even get upset when you sin; he’s more interested in your response. Your sin is an opportunity to acknowledge your mistake, to turn away from your guilt and shame, to recommit to God, and to return to his love. I believe nothing pleases God more greatly than when you acknowledge your own sin, and then thank him for his mercy. It has to be one of his favorite things.

So yes, we should endeavor to do that which is pleasing to the Lord, and to avoid what is displeasing to the Lord. But there can be no doubt: Jesus loves you no matter what you do.

Let that feeling settle in. You are loved, forever and always, no matter what.

You are loved.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.
Romans 8:38